3 recipes to try out during a food shortage
10 June 2022
Disclaimer: This is a meme article submission just like how normal councils have meme resolutions. Taking this seriously is on you.
Sick and tired of eating concrete and dirt all day in an attempt to stave off your hunger? Try out these 3 recipes to make your food shortage experience more enjoyable!
#1 To cry for beans
Don’t let the face scare you. It’s just a hallucination.
Bland beans might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back, or in this case, that makes you resort to drastic measures. While we know the house cat looks appetising, we feel that the rest of your family might not feel the same. So, why not try out these to cry for beans?
You’ll need just a few simple ingredients:
Canned beans, preferably 1 cup (mould will add extra flavour)
Tears, 10 drops (it tastes best when it's from your sisters nightly episodes)
Hope that your situation will be improved, however much you can muster.
To make this, you will only need to follow these two simple steps
Carefully open the can (if not opened already), make sure to go really slow, you dont want to cut yourself with those trembling hands, the blood might attract your demonic younger sister.
Slowly drip the tears into the baked beans. We know your hands are shaky beyond belief but try to keep it together.
Once all the tears are fully incorporated into the beans, it's time for you to dig in!
#2 Drywall biscuit
Doesn’t it look like cake?
Sick of concrete? Try drywall! It’s a nice healthy snack, packed full of calcium (Sulphate dihydrate) that will make sure your bones are extremely prominent in the oncoming months.
The ingredients are as follows:
Drywall. (Mould will, of course, add to the taste)
The steps are even simpler:
Scrape off the most delicious looking part of the drywall.
Remember to eat your biscuit as soon as possible. It tastes best fresh.
Look at those eyes plotting your death.
At this point, the cat is almost dead. Why not eat it? It's one less mouth to feed and will increase your food source. Think of all the rats you’ve missed out on because of this one little pest.
The ingredients for this delicious roast:
Grass, 1 stalk (supplies are limited)
The steps for your feast:
Catch your kitty, they can sense your intentions so you have to be more sneaky.
There are several methods of extracting life. Make sure to give the creature a swift death. We know your hands can't stay put but please, do try your best.
Now you have two options, eat it raw and use the grass to cleanse your pallet or gut it
If you gut it, place it on a spit and wrap it in the grass and make a fire (careful not to burn yourself, you don't want to roast your own meat, it might attract your sister)
Cook it until slightly charred pour the salt over for some gravy (for the extra flavour) and serve.
Enjoy your ex-pet! If you shed any tears for the creature, remember to collect it so you can use it in your next bean recipe!
In these trying times, it is important to keep morale up. Making good food is crucial in keeping hope in our motherland. Long live the Soviet Union!
The CCCP is unaware how this article slipped past censors and checks and found its way into the official publication of the Communist Party, Pravda. Action will be taken against the entire bureaucratic structure of the Party's media branch.